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Recently I found the Good Place, an american based Netflix show. At first I found it a bit insipid , but as I was dragged into the plot I realised how good the show was. The me of the last few years wouldn’t have tried it after the first episode, yet the new me pushed the barrier and was rewarded with an excellent show. Witty and enlightening as well as strangely uplifting. (although at first bore a slight resemblance to a story I once wrote 😉 )

What’s a program about the afterlife got to do with mental health and rebooting? Well apart from the fact that the story is an uplifting tale about trying to be good and do the right thing, the story at least in the second series concentrates on rebooting the world. It stuck me that it would be a great idea to forget my past and reinvent myself in the world. Wouldn’t it be great to start again with a clean sheet, to be a new person in the world, to try to put right the mistakes you once made?

Well as good as it sounds, it’s impractical. For a start it’s just us not the rest. What we can’t restart are the memories. We can never forget the past, nor the past can’t forget us. We all have too many ties with the world to unravel. Strings that bind us to the past no matter how hard we try to forget them. We can’t turn our backs on those memories. Often they are the triggers for our anxiety and depression. The past lives with us at all times, often grating against our present.

Can we cut all the ties to our past? I wonder constantly if I can get the thoughts out of my head. They often lead to depression as I run over them constantly, wondering if I could have changed things, constantly running myself down. It would be wonderful wouldn’t it? Yet I guess I’d take the wrong turn again, without knowing. No, as much as it would be handy, it couldn’t ever work.

What we have to solve is the way our memories are impacting us. Someday those hard memories aren’t there. I can’t control what I did in the past from the future, as much as I might like to. The past has to be with us in order to make us that full person. What we have to do is to try to minimise it’s effects on us. Try to stop those moments before we dive headlong into the spiral of decline.

I’m on the mend, or so I tell myself, yet I still have days when the anxiety and depression stop me stepping over the doorstep. The days when I have to confront those daydreams. I will crack them. I have to or else my life will forever be dark.

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