The last couple of days have reminded me that although most days are good, depression never really releases you from it’s grip. It’s always there, like dark water, waiting to drag you back into its murky embraces. Most days I’m on top of the situation, able to rise above its tentacles, yet at others I can’t resist and am dragged back to wresting it away. I call these black or grey days, depending on how far the beast drags me into its depths. The darker the colour, the worst my state of mind.
It’s at these times I try to remember all the things that I learnt in CBT. I try to reason with a mind that’s at that moment in time not willing to listen. I try to remember that I can’t change the past, that’s done with. I try to lecture myself that everything will be Ok, but sometimes its better to let my mind drift into the greyness. As long as I don’t go too far I’ll be OK.
I just need to be able to focus on something. I always fall into depression when I haven’t anything pressing to occupy my mind. A new task, a new story, in fact anything that’ll quell the hopelessness in my world. Rather like a lifebelt thrown into stormy waters to rescue lost souls.
Yesterday through the fog I saw a rainbow in the shape of two programs, or maybe that was a double rainbow. This came in the form of two game making programs. I did a little games programming in my aborted uni course and so when I saw an offer for Game Maker, I reached out and grabbed it. Today I got around to installing it. It still sits there along with another RPG making games program, ready to rescue me from my depression over the next few days.
So today is a cloudy day, but the sun peaks through at times, enough to say that tomorrow will be a brighter day. I can but hope 🙂